The Pillow Dilemma

Photo by Mediamodifier on Unsplash

Note: The following entry is part of a collection of memories I'm writing in line with my mother's passing. I have already posted some here, but I have forgotten to add this note. The plan is to compile everything in one long, chronological post.

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I didn't know if my mother celebrating Christmas at home helped with her condition, because she grew weaker in the following days. This was not the result we wanted. But honestly, it was something I feared would happen after her premature release from PGH---my mother going back, and the dark clouds returning, hovering over my head, back where they used to float.

My older sister visited days after. She volunteered feeding mama, hoping to make up for her scarce hospital presence. My mother tried her best to play the role of the good and obedient patient, trying to swallow each spoonfuls. But after four spoons, she couldn't push it down. Now my sister knew how frustrating it was to feed mama. After giving her medicine, which became a task in itself, we helped mama ease into her bed and tucked her to sleep.  When she reached the bed, she sat and slowly lifted her feet and placed it on the mattress. Her eyes slowly lifted. She looked at us, exhaustion written all over her face.

"Magmahalan kayo ha?" she whisper, every word came out in delayed successions.

"Pag wala na ako," she stammered, "magmahalan kayo."

Surprised, my sister and I looked at each other.

"Ma, uy, ayawg joke joke ug ing-ana," I responded, hoping to lighten up the mood.

"Mu-okay ra lagi ka ma," my sister added.

Somehow, silently agreeing, my mother laid down.

"Wala ba siya'y lain nga unlan, toy?" my sister asked, noticing the squashed pillows on the bed.

"Wala, te. Mao ra na iya gigamit sa hospital."

My sister went toward her bag and took out her wallet.

"Tagpila kaha nang unlan nga dako?" she asked.

"Basig igo na ang 1K," I responded.

She took out a one thousand bill and handed it to me.

"Pwede nimo dagdagan? Para sure."

She handed me another one thousand bill.

"Thanks, te."

"Palita bayag nindot nga unlan si mama ay?" 

"Oo, unya. Muadto ko sa SM Bicutan."

"Oh? Muadto sad ko after nako diria. Dapit raman gud sa SMB ang balay sa akong friend."

"Frieeeend?" I teased her.

When mama fell asleep, my sister and I washed the dishes and headed together to SM Bicutan. When we reached the mall's entrance, we separated ways. I went directly to where the pillows were sold. Immediately, I found one rectangular pillow. It was big and soft, perfect for mama. When I checked the tag and saw that it was priced at 1K plus, I looked for cheaper ones and settled with two smaller square pillows. This was cheaper, less than 1K. It wasn't as soft and comfortable as the rectangular pillow, but it would do just fine. The best part is I get to keep what's left. How selfish was I? Foregoing my mother's comfort for my own benefit? I still think about that decision to this day.