Do not tolerate my friend ENVY
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I’ve
always been contented with the state of living I have. As a struggling student
and a member of a larger society, it is inevitable for me to experience daily
intricacies – which include weird encounters and many uncalled for occasions.
But this contentment I pride myself of is sometimes challenged by a more
intensified entity which oftentimes eats me up alive, a sickness called envy.
My
first encounter with envy was when I was younger, about 3 years old. I was with
my mother that time in the marketplace. As we were about to pass a fruit stand,
I glanced on a boy happily playing with a top. A pang of something hit my
insides; it seemed that I cannot bear the view of the boy and his top. As we
were nearing the fruit stand I asked my mother to buy me a top and pointed out
to the young boy.
“Mama, gusto ko po nung ganung laruan, (Mom, I want his top. Buy me one!)”,
I insisted her.
“Nak, hindi na kasya yung pera natin (Son, I'm sorry but our money is not enough)”,
she responded.
“Ahh basta, bilhan mo ako nun! Gusto ko yun! (Please let me have it. I really want that toy!)” I
started making tantrums already.
With
my mother irritated with the growing convulsion that I was making, she bought
me the same wooden top that the boy was playing. But after I got what I asked
for and tried spinning the top repeatedly, I felt nothing. It’s as if the
happiness the boy had did not resemble any of the feelings I have as I played
with the toy, weird.
That
was my first experience with envy. And as time passed by, encounters with envy
grew evident and frequent, especially during my elementary days –where
competition was already a thing for us.
I’ve
always remembered my wanting of all the things my classmates have. The Jollibee
lunchboxes they bring, the story books they have in their houses, the G-watches
they don every classes, the complete set of coloring books they use every art
classes, and many more. Being the young and naïve that I was, I disregarded the
feelings I felt, but not until I realized what they really were.
I
remembered stealing a sharpener from my seatmate back then, just because I
don’t have any of it and also cheating during an examination because I wanted
to place top in our class. It was humiliating after all my classmates found out
everything. I can’t look straight to my seatmates’ eyes because of the
embarrassment I got from the incident. After those incidents I realized that
the feeling of wanting things I don’t have and doing ways just to have those is
not good. And the feeling of it is eating me up slowly.
Teenage
life proved to be the stage where envy is as inevitable as breathing. But the
feeling of envy is not more of the material things; it is more on the physical
features, achievements, social class, and friends. The thing with me is that
I’ve changed a lot since grade school. The innumerable experiences taught me to
be contented with what I am and what I am capable of. And from then on, things
have turned out quite good. I was always no. 1 in our class, I was one of the
writers in our school paper, I always join interschool contests, I always win
in school contests, and a whole lot more. I guess the things I lack back when I
was in elementary were all supplemented by the achievements I got.
But
to my surprise, college life was more difficult than I can ever imagine. It
seems that all of my envious ways back then came rushing out of the blue, and
this time it was intensified. Envy became my friend instantly, what’s worst is,
we got along together well. From my high school classmates who made it to UP
and never experienced the need to stop studying because they were financially
capable, to my nearly perfect college classmates who seem to get along well with
anything and everything. They all look fortunate to me. And I was left to rot
with my own insecurities. I was welled up by the feeling of it. I was devoured
by envy all along, tolerating the sickening feeling of it. And unconsciously, I
was already building an invisible barrier which surrounds me from everything. That
I forgot the good things I had in the past and I have all along; the blessed
life I live, the great family I have, the still struggling student that I am,
the verbose and articulate writer that I am, the cool bunch of friends I can’t
live without, the ever-growing number of page visits my blog site receives, and
many good things (This page or even this blogpost would not be enough for that!).
Now
I can definitely say that from an envious 3 year old kid that I was, I became a
contented student and a member of a greater society. I know envy will be
wherever I’ll be but now I know more.
So
if you think you’re fat, ugly, pimply, loveless, bloated, peculiar, useless, penniless,
and all those things you think you embody then think again. You’re more than
that! God made you look and live that way because he has a purpose for you.
Remember this: God knows what is best for us.We may never know his plans for
now but sooner or later we will be surprised at how perfect his plans are.
Being
envious is normal but living with the feeling of it, waking up in the morning
unsatisfied with your life, and thinking of becoming others but yourself is
another cracked up story one should shrug off. Don’t live your life miserably
just because you’re not contented with it. Think of all the good things you
have and count all the blessings life has given you just like what I did. And
be surprised on how it will change your perception of living a life of
contentment and satisfaction.
PS:
Don’t tolerate my friend Envy, I’ve just unfriended him.
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