When Running Is The Only Option
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| http://stocdkfgsa.blogspot.com/2015/04/free-photos-running.html |
I have been running – as far as I know – for a long time. It started back during my college years. I run because I wanted to lose weight. I was heavier and bigger back then. It was doubled during my internship at Emerson. And it got worse when I landed my first job at Pointwest.
I’d always schedule my runs early
in the morning because it is the only time of the day that my mind is fully
active and involved with what I am doing.
I’d run around FTI (back when the
constructions were not even started). I’d go 3 to 4 kilometers depending on my
mood. And after running I’d walk for half a mile to cool down. At some point
during my runs I’d feel tired even if I’m on my first kilometer. When it
gets to that point, I’d just finish my first lap and walk the rest of my second
lap. Then I’d go home.
For me the goal of my daily run
was to shed some unwanted pounds and that was it. If ever I’d reach my target
weight, I would stop and go about with my normal routine (which does not
include running at all).
Fast forward to now, running has
become a habit of mine.
I’d run for more than 3 times a week;
it has become my routine.
Back when my mother was in the
hospital, running would help me ease my nerves. It kept my relentless thoughts
at bay. And helped me feel normal than restless. I would be thinking too much
that it had gotten to a point that it was already unhealthy. I’d have worries
and anxieties that would leave me crippled and paralyzed – unable to do things
that I should be doing.
Running helped me think things
through whenever I am bombarded with many grave thoughts. It made me refocus on the things
that truly mattered because I was like a train careening aimlessly towards a
dead end.
Running for someone
There was also a time when I was
running for someone - a patient who was with us inside ward 1 who died of
leukemia.
The memory of that night when we
were told that she passed away saddened me. It was so sudden how she died; it
was only the other day that she was eating her favorite food. (I thought she
liked everything given to her.)
I’d be looking at her across the
other side of the room from mama’s bed with my heart heavy. The night she died I was careful
not to let mama know of her demise. Needless to say she knew it right away.
Running became something I would
do to honor her memory.
I would run thinking that I was
healthy and normal enough to do what I wanted to do while she was bedridden and
not capable of doing anything.
In my mind, she was deprived of
living a normal life. She was deprived of being able to
enjoy life as a normal person when there are so many people who are wasting
their lives away on drugs, alcohol, and many other vices. It was fitting for me to do it.
And so I found myself running because of someone.
When my mother died, I embraced
running more than anything.
I saw it as a metaphor – me
running away from everything, even the very life I have. After mama was laid to rest
it took me a couple of weeks to go running on a daily basis. But when I started running again
my view on running changed.
I run not only to run away from
my current situation, but also to find myself back again. I was running from my depressive
state and I was running to find answers. Running became an avenue for me
to meditate on so many different things.
Running as a meditation
Before running I’d come up with a mental
question – it can be a problem I encountered at work or a personal problem that
needed fixing. The moment I step my foot in front of the other I’ll mentally
prepare myself.
After a few meters I’d start
meditating on the question at hand. I’d be seen talking to myself while gasping
for air. If you see me, you would think I’m casting some voodoo spell on you.
No I’m not. I’m trying to figure out how I can go about my daily work without
having the need to open any of my socials. I’m trying to find an answer to why I need to
continue running even if my feet are starting to hurt. I’m trying to plan out a
foolproof approach on getting my work done without having wasted a single
second.
There are so many things running
in my head – it’s meta (me and my thoughts running):
- How I wasted my day looking at dog videos. (Or
that singing lion? I know that was hilarious!)
- How I’d manage my time well if I had not opened
any of my socials.
- How I still haven’t finished any blog because of
my lazy tendencies.
THE LIST GOES ON…
There are times that I’d come up
with solutions to my problems or answers to my questions. But more often than
not I’d end up being frustrated and tired from all the thinking and running. But at
least I made a few progress – a few steps toward its resolution.
When I am also running I’d come
up with blog ideas. I would be thinking on how it would be written and the
approach I would use. I would also be reminded of an
embarrassing event I have always wanted to forget but came back from the grave
haunting me.
Daily Dose of Introspection
I meditate on so many things in
my life. I get to talk to myself and have that daily dose of introspection
which for me is healthy.
One time I posted a blog entry on Facebook that took me a while before making the decision of finally posting it
on fb. But my thoughts were all over the place: what if no one dared to read
it? What if they find many grammatical mistakes on my post? It took me awhile. After
agreeing to post the Mother’s Day entry, I went out and ran even if it was
raining. I needed to tame my thoughts and my heart which was trying to get out
of its rib cage.
After my run that night I felt
better with my decision.
I was also proud of myself
because people would be able to read my piece on mama’s last days.
Looking back I have always thought of running as a physical activity only - where you end up feeling tired with your feet sore. But now, I see it as something more. Something that I can and will do for the rest of my life. It is one of the many things I look forward to everyday (
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