Goodbye

 

T’was Friday and it was raining, a hard one. Along the pavements I walked shuffling. My thoughts were incoherent, even my breathing was hard and relentless. With a bottle in my hand I blabber out things and even cursed to a passerby. Not knowing my destination, where my life would lead me. I kept on walking the wet asphalt.

“I’m done with you!” She said.

“Why? What have I done to deserve this?”

“Nothing, I just need time and space because the spaces between us are getting thinner. And you know what? The more it thins the lesser my feelings are for you”

“How could you leave me hanging without a proper reason?  I almost shouted.

“Do you want to know why? Because I don’t love you anymore. It’s hard to stay like this. And it is difficult for me to fake everything. At first, I held on because I know you’ll get hurt. But as time went by, I realized I don’t like it anymore. The faking up, it’s not like that anymore.” She looked indifferent with every word she said.

She left me with nothing. All the memories were gone the moment she walked out of the door. All of those 5 years were left to drown into nothingness. I did not cry. I got up, went to the nearest club and got myself drunk. I woke up with a searing pain on my head, but what transpired that night was more painful than the pain in my head. I thought everything was just a dream. I went to her house and found the door locked. I remember I had it with me always when we were still together. I went back home and bathe myself in grief with something brewing up in my head. This is the goodbye I’ve wanted all my life. Death.

What was there to live for? Everything I know was gone. The love of my life will never come back. And in the moment, I went to the kitchen got myself a knife and started reminiscing again, finding a spark of hope. But there was nothing, as I struck myself midair the phone rang. I threw the knife and receive the call. It was Diane’s mother, sobbing, telling me to get to the nearest hospital because Diane was suffering from Leukaemia.

 I hurriedly went to the hospital. The moment I entered the door I saw Diane, bedridden, it seems that the cancer has sucked the life out of her. She seemed tired. Her eyes ajar and her skin was pale. I held her hands, kissed her forehead and told her everything will be alright. She smiled half heartedly and said that this was the reason of our breakup. I forgave her that instance and gave her the assurance of never letting her go again. She kissed me slowly and fell into a dreamless sleep. Outside her room I cried and cried. I cannot understand how and why this happened. Everything seemed fine the other day and now everything was on the verge of crumbling down. The pain of breaking up is incomparable to that of Diane’s situation.

I visited her almost every day. I give her flowers and her favourite foods. Then she told me this: “Can you forgive me again? I can’t bear to see you hurt because of me. I’ve been hurting you awhile. You know what? I should’ve never broke up with you. But I was afraid at that time that you will leave me because of my situation. All those years I’ve been hiding this from you. Will you ever forgive me for doing that?” With eyes wet I hugged her and we cried together. While she lay asleep in bed, I cannot erase the fact that the machines in front of me were the things that are keeping her alive at the moment. What was my life for? The suicide attempt? It was all useless, for the one who has been my life is suffering. If I can take all the pain she has I would, I would even die for her. But there was nothing I can do. Nothing. I cried and prayed that everything will be alright. I don’t know what to do without her. Then she woke up and saw me with my eyes swollen.

“Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine.” She said.

“Yes, I know. Go again to sleep, it’s still early.”

“It’s okay, I want to see you so that I will not forget your face when the time comes.”

I tried to fight the urge of crying.

“You can find another girl.”

“No one is gonna take your place.”

“I know and with that I am grateful. The doctors say I may not live any longer. I just hope that you’ll be prepared when that time will come because I am already prepared.”

I still sat not speaking.

“Will you promise me something Jacob? Please don’t attempt another suicide again. You’re lucky you’re healthy; you have a life ahead of you. Don’t do it again.”

I hold her hands with tears rolling down my cheeks.

“I will.”

The next morning she passed away. She died peacefully in my arms. She taught me to live my life like it was my last. And she showed me the meaning of life itself. All these days I’ve been searching for someone but no one seems to take her place in my heart. Her memories will be forever etched in my heart and soul. I loved her.

T’was Friday and it was raining, a hard one. Along the pavements I walked shuffling. My thoughts were incoherent, even my breathing was hard and relentless. With a bottle in my hand I blabber out things and even cursed to a passerby. Not knowing my destination, where my life would lead me. I kept on walking the wet asphalt.

And then I remembered her. I hurriedly went home and sobered up. It was different now. Everything has changed the moment she passed away. But the love I have for her will forever live on. She will be the Diane I love.

Goodbye Diane. Goodbye my love.